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movie wisdoms
'when you grow up your heart dies'
~ the breakfast club
'cause life's a piece of shit
when you look at it'
~ Eric Idle in The life of Brian
~ the breakfast club
'cause life's a piece of shit
when you look at it'
~ Eric Idle in The life of Brian
we could erase the blame....
the blame....unnecessary, ..sometimes
but who would you be
and would you even like me?
maybe it's better this way,
it's bitter
at least for me
but it could be worse, and why am I always writing stoopid shitandwhydoesitbothermeandwhyamIalwaysm
--> no that's not really supposed to be a poem, if you asked yourself that ;-)
durchbricht die leise traurigkeit / rips everything apart
sinnlos / there's no one left to blame....
- Location:Munich
- Music:Frank Sinatra
gone
not a glimpse to catch of you.
but in my eyes, the sparkles are missing
you hold them capture
victims of my pain.
their absence - unrecognized by those around me.
but I feel the wind blowing...
...blowing right through the hole you left in me
and freezing me from the inside out.
they can’t grasp what is happening, what has happened...
....can I?
- Location:desk
- Mood:
cold
I see your face, I see your smile
and hurts for that awful long while...
but I can't change it and I never will
Still I have to see you....again and again.
It's an urge I can't kill.
The urge to hurt me, to punch the hole I can't fill.
so I remain, hurt and insane
just the tears are flowing,
they run from my worry and pain.
I just hope that you won't....
- Location:desk
- Mood:
calm - Music:Daniel playing PS^^
it'll only mock you
when you cry your eyes blind...as usual.
I'm sorry, little girl
even love is meant for hurting you
...because you let it
sorry little girl....you're broken,
so what do you expect?
- Location:my bed
- Mood:
confused - Music:Minnie Driver -seastories album
Delicious_Demon_2_by_hakanphotographyluv that pic...
- Location:bed^^
- Mood:
geeky - Music:on the phone with Daniel
the reign of unsteadiness.
always flicking, dancing,
....burning.
don't fool yourself,
there's no control.
- Location:desk, but soon: bed
- Mood: cold
- Music:Stereophonics
deep.
I'd die for you
but I die alone.
everyday.
you're all killing me.
ripping my insides out
and eat'em up.
disgusting animals.
fools.
bathing in blissful ignorance.
maybe you're right to pity me,
because I have to carry on,
in this obnoxious world,
your world.
and you don't even realize....
- Location:my bed
- Mood:
beaten down - Music:Sia/Seether/Shinedown alternately
because inside there's only chaos.
- Location:desk
- Mood: tired
- Music:Justine Electra
a pitiful little thing
waiting for myself
to lay off that feeling....
but I just wanna believe, boy.
that it can all be true
boy, can't you see?
your making me crazier than I ever was
boy, I'm too crazy for you
to be just your rebound girl....
I just wanna believe,
but how could it be true
boy, I'm drowning and I'm so blue
how could you love me...
...as much as I love you...?
----------------------------------------
just some blaaaa, that just came back to haunt me.
how come you can surpress these things for a long time, and then they just pop back into your head, and there they are ...can't get 'em out.
Annoying!
stupid head........mpf!
- Location:desk
- Mood:
stupid and insane - Music:Alice in Chains
even to myself I'm a burden
it's only logic that I'm one for everybody else
useless
even to myself I make no sense
then again - nothing makes sense
waste
even to myself I am just a waste
of space, of time, of breath,
of blood
oh how I like it, the blood,
so warm, and real, so beautiful
fascinating
but it's all just wasted, inside my body.
nourishing my broken head, my broken heart, my broken soul.
always flowing , running erratically through my veins.
aimless, confused
just like me.
- Location:desk
- Mood:
discontent - Music:Stereophonics
meine Füße bluten.
sie sind schon über zu viele Scherben gelaufen.
meine Arme hängen.
sie können nichts mehr zusammenhalten.
mein Kopf ist gesenkt.
er hat längst aufgegeben,
hat er doch nie einen Grund darin gesehen,
....zu leben
denn alles zerbricht.
- Location:desk
- Mood: apathetic
- Music:none
I’m ok.......
just keep the knives away from me.
the craving goes too deep.
the hurt,
all to much
confusion
chaos
feelings out of order.
only the slowly pouring blood
can ease my mind
and help me rest.
but only a while.
what follows is the satisfying pain,
much more comforting than the real hurt,
the chaos and confusion.
- Location:my bf's bed
- Mood: blank
- Music:Cat Power
do you?
you just wanna be anywhere
outside your safe bubble
-the bubble I just wanna burst!
I wanna destroy it with all the strength
I got left
to make you see
to make you realize
and not ignore!
I hate that you shut things out
that are so important to me,
to my well-being
only because you don't wanna deal with it!
I feel mean because I wanna
destroy your safe ignorance?!
You should feel guilty
because YOU ARE !!
----------------------------------------
blood
slowly flowing down
pumping out of my veins
paradox
feeling out of time
out of place
calming down
peace
----------------------------------------
Ich schreie
ein ohrenbetäubendes Geräusch
ich bin nicht mehr fähig, etwas anderes zu hören
Ich schreie
aus purer Verzweiflung
mein Kopf dröhnt
er wird so schwer
Ich schreie
bis ich keine Kraft mehr habe
doch du bleibst stumm
----------------------------------------
was usin' my down-time from last entry to actually write something here.....
- Location:Daniel's desk
- Mood: blank
- Music:Lenny Kravitz - calling all angels
unverhofft
und reißt mich weg von dir
zieht mich in eine zeit,
in der keiner von euch existiert hat
nimmt mir meine zuflucht
lässt mir nur mich selbst
sie reißt ihr maul auf
und schreit in die offene wunde
in das kaputte kind
die angst schreit nach dem messer
und ich erstarre innerlich
----------------------------------------
lil explanation:
was lying awake, totally finished after a fucked-up dream (or day, week, ..life)
and a "poem" came to my mind about the same damn fucking feeling or urge I have to fight, everytime I get scared, nervous, depressive or whatever.
but no worries. everything "under control" as they say.
----------------------------------------
worthless piece of shit
replacement
how can I ever compete
with her, with what you had,
what you felt for her, with....everything?
I can't. I'm weak.
Can't shut my head off.
stupid thoughts running
through my mind
trampling down my sanity
why?
----------------------------------------
--> just some recent blah, no poem, just what is bothering me especially right now. nothing new, just can't repress it right now (tierd, in the middle of the night. after a stoopid dream). got enough other things not to think about *enerved*
*goes back to bed*
- Location:Daniels desk
- Mood:
awake - Music:complete silence
for what I've done to you
I'm even sorry
for what you put me through
so sorry
for the years that passed
so sorry
for myself at last
so sorry
that I'm still hurting.
I've wished a 1000 times
that I was alright
for you...
for me...
...for him...
...but I'll be sorry
...'til my lights go dim.
- Location:Daniel's desk
- Mood:
stupid - Music:Daniel playing MGS POP on his PSP
these old chains of mine
trying to get rid
and free my mind
unsuccessful
my heavy chained legs
can't move
they pull me down
so fast
so deep.....
- Location:BA pc room
- Mood: restless
- Music:Esther talking to Manu ;)
versuchst du dir das letzte Stück Kontinuität zu wahren,
auch wenn es noch so klein und lächerlich ist
- nur um für eine kurze Weile vielleicht ein bisschen langsamer zu fallen.
(25.02.2008)
----------------------------------------
across the barriers
you found a way into my broken heart
I let you in these open wounds
in hope you would mend them.
Now I stand here,
the wounds are less,
though still hurting...
...sometimes
...sometimes often.
the shreds are still in repair
and I'm so afraid of breaking again.
I forgot
how hard it was
to be whole
and more vulnerable than before.....
- Location:Daniel's desk
- Mood: insecure
- Music:tv in the background
that we can go on like this
forever
tell me
that your love for me won't fade
tell me
that nothing can get in between
tell me
that I can stay with you
till the end
lie to me.....
----------------------------------------
my bare feet
touch the ground
though the earth is so near,
I'll let it disappear,
disappear into nothing.
I won't let it near.
I'll build a save shell
that no one could harm,
a save shell to bring us far away from here.
so I won't have to waste
one single breath without you again.
----------------------------------------
you left a hole
I can not fill.
everyday is a struggle
to not give up.
to get some peace of mind
and get my head to shut up
far away I see the endless horizon
reminding me of hope
something I've never known before...
----------------------------------------
I'm taking pictures with my mind
so beautiful.
I wish they could see what I do.
because there's so much,
and too many are too blind.
----------------------------------------
what most people need to realize
is that we never have a choice...
----------------------------------------
don't wait for the rain
'cause it will come anyway.
don't hold on to the pain
'cause new hurt will come.
that's life!
everybody knows it sucks like a bitch,
so try not to be his!
----------------------------------------
sometimes your words
cut so deep
even if they mean nothing
how can it pain me so much?
(unfinished, I guess)
- Location:bed
- Music:SIA
that you can't see who I love and adore!
that he will never know you...
I hate that feeling through and through!
I'm eager for the day
I'm gonna see you again
though I'm really not sure
if that day will come
and I can.........
----------------------------------------
as mentioned before: written @ night, trying to finally shut up my mind and fall asleep,
so don't expect a good poem ;)
- Location:desk
- Music:Lenny Kravitz
you never leave me alone
even when you're gone
you're always at my back
...waiting...
to strike me down again.
----------------------------------------
the path I walk along
is dark and dusty
but I keep on walking
knowing my heart's a little rusty
I'm sure that you're the one
you could make me happy
and change my heart back
from what it has become.
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Mood: alone
- Music:The Fray
running so scared.
till tomorrow.
comes again.
she has to try.
everyday.
no matter what.
there is to pay.
she doesn't know.
what the world has to offer.
all she does is hide.
but without a cover.
she needs something pure.
something real.
something
that could make her feel.
stable and whole.
but she's losing grip.
and she doesn't know.
where else there is to go....
....but down.
- Location:bed
- Mood: tired
- Music:humming of my computer
it kept the real world out.
but when the bubble did burst
reality got in between
infecting our world
like a virus
tearing it apart
tearing us apart
- Location:desk
- Mood: depressed
- Music:silence
feels like lying on a cold stone floor
no warmth
no heartbeat
just awful.
and I don't dare to look up,
being too afraid of not seeing your face.
----------------------------------------
(now...the following is just plain bad, no style, I know)
my love for you grows each day
even if you're far away
- though it's nothing compared
to the day you're finally here to stay.
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Music:killalady
how can you be so far away when you're standing right in front of me....?
----------------------------------------
I'm just waiting for the day
when you'll leave me.
when you'll have finally found
someone
who's more interesting than me,
more fun, more pretty.
someone
who you can truly love.
.....how could you love me
as much as I love you,
when I can't even stand myself.......?
- Location:desk
- Mood: depressed
- Music:SIA - breathe
I know
you're broken too.
everybody is.
but could you
please try to fix me?
I want to mend your wounds
and all I'm begging for
is that you will try
try to mend mine.
----------------------------------------
I'm stuck with this pain
sometimes I think it's all that remains
tears dropping down like bombs
and cries as bloody as in war
but you're not even listening.
----------------------------------------
I feel so dead
I feel so numb
sometimes I think
it's all that I've become
'cause all I see
is the shadow I'm casting
the shadow I am
I hope that at least you
are able to see more than that.
----------------------------------------
she was listening to a song
called "scream"
as you ended her life
and no sound escaped her lungs.
as she was slowly dying
and staring into your empty eyes
she was trying to think
of happier times
but they never existed...........
----------------------------------------
her shadow's hanging over me
over us
like a dark cloud
and I'm just waiting
for the rain
- Location:desk
- Music:Broken Social Scene
sleepy from walking
walking too far
running too long
but I carried on
all the way
it led me to you,
so it's alright,
it's okay.
----------------------------------------
I could cry myself blind.
why?
I think I already lost my mind.
----------------------------------------
For no reason
you'll turn your back on me.
For no reason
you'll leave me alone.
Because of you
I'll break again.
--------------------------------------
did nobody tell you that you bought damaged goods?!
- Location:desk
- Music:Carla Bruni
make me forget
my stupid sorrow
but inside
my heart's still stained
and damaged
but I hope that we
will make it anyhow
----------------------------------------
despite how much
I love you
you can't erase
the stains on my heart
but for a while you can
make me forget
how damaged I am
----------------------------------------
the urge to make me look
as broken as I am inside
fades
slowly
and I hope for
you
that it'll last
----------------------------------------
you say you don't want me broken
but you only seem to be pleased
when my mind's not at ease
you don't care if I'm happy
you just don't want to be
alone,
down there
down there
where I don't want to belong
anymore
I hope
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Music:snow patrol
one perfect moment - to take a special place in my heart
one perfect moment - that would shine in my life
one moment - now lost forever
one of so many
----------------------------------------
you know the sad little lie I tell you
the lie you pretend to believe
the lie you want to believe
I suppose it's for the better
you couldn't ever make it go away
it's all done
and I'm the one who has to pay......
- Location:BA - pc room
- Music:K's Choice
hate you all so much
because you're able to hurt me
so much
every goddamn time
I really tried
tried to trust you
but it's all for nothing
useless desperation
I have to shut you out again.
- Location:desk
- Music:the Coasters - down in mexico
...it's my heart
and if you're not careful
you'll tear it apart....
----------------------------------------
she's lying on the floor
like a broken doll
no one to pick her up
no one to repair her
only the crushing of her bones
as they walk over her
----------------------------------------
the heart's a muscle
mine's too strained
just cut it out
and throw it away
maybe then
I'll be okay
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Mood: shitty
- Music:The Pierces - boring
you see the sad girl
sittin' in the corner?
that's me waiting for
you
to care
----------------------------------------
am I nothing but
a funny gal for you?
am I more to you
than jokes that I tell?
or am I the biggest joke
ever made?
----------------------------------------
people dying
a world made of crying
for us to break apart
for those who still have a heart......
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Mood: unconcentrated
- Music:The Klaxons - it's not over yet
in her hotel room
pretending she's dead
though she's still breathing
>>oh please, someone call the ambulance<<
she wishes desperately.
her eyes are shut
but tears find their way out anyway
so the sheets get soaked.
a loud knocking
rips her out of her apathy
out of her suffering
>>could it be ...... someone who cares?<<
in a rush
she's jumping up
and rips open the door
only to see
no one.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
- Location:desk
- Mood: apathetic
- Music:Papa Roach - i just wanna be loved
just playing my role
was unable to control what became of me
don't know who I really am
don't know who I was supposed to be
there's a disturbance
under my thousand layers
a little pea
but I'm not the princess
no,
not at all
maybe I'm the pea
underneath it all
but maybe it's nothing
this feeling inside
maybe it's nothing
fading away
like all of us
----------------------------------------
I'll feel protected
when you hold me
I'll feel at peace
when you sleep next to me
someone I can take care of
someone who'll take care of me
- Location:desk
- Mood: apathetic
- Music:Marilyn Manson - the speed of pain
over and over again
and with every time
they become more abstract to me
the meaning seems to fade
as if they poured out
and left me empty
every word becomes the same
the same topic
flowing through every sentence
like a river
- Location:desk
- Music:talking to Esther on the phone^^
I don't tell you
everything
You shouldn't see
the dark side
the dirty black hole
I crawled out of
You see what I am now
and that's alright with me
I guess
----------------------------------------
i still recall your smell
when holding me near
you made it all go away
all go away
i just want something
to hold on to
something to stop my falling
something i can't ever have
----------------------------------------
I steal myself away
unnoticed
to a place where angels are screaming
where devils are laughing
and pain is burning in my veins
though freezing myself inside
tortured souls everywhere
cries getting louder
because of the unbearable silence
----------------------------------------
- Mood: disappointed
- Music:Damien Rice - creep
breakable? not that much anymore
broken? a little
maybe more
weak? sometimes
but I'm still standing
- what do you have to show?!
----------------------------------------
she's nearly invisible
but suddenly you notice her
you see that she can be funny and witty
she's not as boring
as she looks
but when she tells you
what she's about
her charm fades
and it's just her again
she's not invisible anymore
now you see her
though now......
you don't even want to.
- Location:desk
- Mood: lazy
- Music:Dashboard Confessional
to reach out for you
the more you slipped away
so I held back
I was too scared
and now I live with regret every day
you looked
like a walking corpse
long before
you were actually gone
and left me for dead
you left me
as an empty shell
only filled with pain
and never ending longing
for my father.
- Location:desk
- Music:none
she doesn't know
but it doesn't matter
she's got no where else to go
her eyes look lost
and so is she
to lead the way
there's no one here
who would there be
if the others are as lost as she?
- Location:desk
- Music:talking to Esther on the phone
.
.
.
----------------------------------------
my eyes are bleeding
blood's desperately streaming
down my cheeks
the pain's been too much
for me to keep.
pitiful little girl,
please just die,
so there'll be no tears
for me left to cry
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Mood: awful
- Music:"grey's anatomy"
for so long
I had to be alone
for so long
but if all that I was
waiting for
was you
I would have waited
even for eternity
because I know it would've been
worth it
because with you
I can be weak
and that makes me
even stronger
than I ever was
- Location:desk
- Music:"Heroes" on DVD
sometimes I think
you hate me
sometimes I think
everyone is repelled by me
sometimes I realize
that it's just me
----------------------------------------
monotony
monotone work
just another bee in the hive
monotone life
slowly killing you
from inside out
----------------------------------------
the sound of my breath
is all I can hear
I abandoned the rest
so there's no one I could fear
but myself
----------------------------------------
the world...
....full of pain
....full of hate
....full of morons
the world...
...
....won't change
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Music:furslide
that's why I can't stop to weep
I know I'm just a little creep
so you'll never be mine to keep.
----------------------------------------
I cry and cry
and cry all day
until my sadness goes away........
----------------------------------------
do you know the feeling
when you're too tired and burned out
to not cry?
----------------------------------------
no words could grasp how I feel inside
no words could make clear
the urge not to be me
to break out of this sick mind
and finally be free
----------------------------------------
I
collect all the pieces
and patch me up
again
only to see
the strings aren't strong enough
again
I fall apart.
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Music:Marilyn Manson - heart shaped glasses
wrote that one in 2004:
Me
I'm so sad and lonely
why can't you see?
I was so hungry for life
but somehow that went away
I lost myself sometime in the past
-am I even worth searching for?
daily boredom goes away
when I finally get home
although it seems so save there,
I feel so insecure
I can't catch up with my life
-don't even know if I want to.
I just want to be in my room
with my loneliness supporting me.
I mostly lost my depression
and now it feels like nothing's inside anymore.....
everybody talks about love.....
...I don't even know it
...I never was in love
...can't trust anyone enough.
I could count a 1000 days on which I wished I was dead
although I'm afraid of it,
afraid of letting go.
I'm afraid of losing grip
afraid of people, afraid of myself.
I'm so sad and lonely
why can't you see?
I'm fighting to get through each day
boredom always takes me down again
makes me realize my frustration,
realize my only problem
-me!
----------------------------------------
wrote that one in 1999: (we had to write a poem in class)
Einsamkeit
Ohne dich bin ich einsam.
Manchmal verkrieche ich mich in eine Ecke
und denke an dich,
wie es war als du bei mir warst;
wie du mich zum Lachen gebracht hast
und wie liebevoll du dich um mich gekümmert hast...
und wie lieb ich dich hab.
Doch du bist fort
-für immer!
Das macht mir schreckliche Angst.
Ich vermisse dich.
- Location:desk
- Music:boundzound - louder
of my soul?
need you to tell me
what I already know.
----------------------------------------
my tears could fill the sea
and I know that I'll never be
okay again
something's wrong ; disfunctional brain
please fix me, I just wanna be sane!
----------------------------------------
why do you have to be like everybody else?!
Isn't it enough that the whole world's an asshole
trying to suck the last drop of compassion out of you
-each and every day?!
Sometimes I lose the strength
to fight this world
it's doomed to self destruct anyway
But my heart insists to keep on going
though my head knows...........
I can't win.
----------------------------------------
kill the loneliness
I don't want to feel
the emptiness again
crawling up my heart
and dust it, like ashes
----------------------------------------
tired
stupid
ridiculous
pitiful
embarrassing
hated
ashamed
idiotic
tired
----------------------------------------
you made me feel precious
I know I never actually was
but to you I was precious
and I loved you even more for it
but you're gone
and I couldn't follow you
and now I'm precious to no one.
----------------------------------------
lying on my bed
dried tears on my cheeks
my throat hurts from soundless screaming
life has struck me down
once again
silence overcomes the room
the only sound my breathing
slowly evening out
till it nearly stops
----------------------------------------
- Location:desk
- Music:The Smashing Pumpkins
spreading disease
it's more than I can bare
gets me down on my knees
I'm wishing for mercy
though I deserve none
----------------------------------------
the sparkling light
has gone away
nothing but shadows
here to stay
hiding in darkness
I lost my way
----------------------------------------
what makes today different from any other day?
do I hate myself less?
do I like living like this?
is anything better than yesterday?
so what makes today different?
Nothing.
----------------------------------------
I wonder why I'm still here
there's been too much change already
so I just stand still,
I rest,
incapable of moving.
----------------------------------------
sparkles of happiness and joy
you bring to me
I know you don't realize
how great you are
but I know, I know for sure
=)
----------------------------------------
it's the little things I care about
the little things that count
for most unseen,
though they weight more than anything
----------------------------------------
let me believe in dreams
for one more time
I wanna believe in dreams
is that a crime?
----------------------------------------
just floating around
unattached
I'm scared, I'm lost
will I ever be found
and held to the ground?
----------------------------------------
don't talk to me like you care
don't look at me like you see
don't say you know
because you don't
don't pretend
because I see right through you
----------------------------------------
we're casting shadows
on the pavement
a pale dark copy of you and me
beneath us
sometimes it's hard to define
the difference,
lines are getting blurry
and nothing seems to separate us from the dark
but we're together
no matter what
we will catch each other's fall
- Location:BA - pc room
- Music:humming of PCs
I'm beyond repair
drowning in my own despair
but I don't care
----------------------------------------
a rootless tree
is all I can see
a rootless tree
is all I can be
- Location:my bed
- Music:still the "six feet under" episode
you think you're like fragile porcelain
remaining cold when the sun shines bright
but you're just unable to see
that you sparkle like light.
- Location:my bed
- Music:a "six feet under" episode I'm watching
you can't catch with broken arms,
but can you love with a broken heart?
- Location:desk
- Music:Adema
when you come
down to me
you're gonna see
nothing
because nothing is in me
++++++
time?
everything's about it
everybody needs it
why?
because time is all we've got
----------------------------------------
11.9.2004:
when you think you listened to the sadest song in the world
you never listened to life
----------------------------------------
2.1.2006:
I lost my wings way before the fall
-that's all!
+++++++++
my hand of blood
it's not for you to hold
not for you to unfold
.........me
you can't see me
can't see me dying inside
- Location:desk
- Music:placebo
