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movie wisdoms

'when you grow up your heart dies'
~ the breakfast club

'cause life's a piece of shit
when you look at it'
~ Eric Idle in The life of Brian

When she woke up the first thing she noticed was the trail of nearly dried saliva on her left cheek. In a daze she got her hand up to wipe the crumbling liquid away.


She wasn’t afraid she overslept again because it was still kind of dark outside. Though the birds were already awake according to the noise they made. Reluctantly she got out of bed. Not wanting to lie still anymore.

On her way to the bathroom she stopped dead after only a few steps staring herself in the eyes. Damn mirror, she thought feeling the urge to smash it. Shouldn’t have switched the lights on…

She looked like hell….and damn, did she feel like it!

The scratch beneath her eye looked worse than she expected. The wound closed up a little bit since it wouldn’t stop bleeding the night before. Though now it was all swollen up and surrounded by a dark blue and greenish color.

She tore herself away from it to look into her deep brown eyes. Right now they looked so dark, almost black. Her gaze drifted downwards following a streak of her deep red hair and coming to a halt at her collarbone discovering an enormous bruise. It meant she had to wear shirts which showed less cleavage than she wanted to in those warm summer days until it was fully healed.

The wound in her face would be harder to conceal. Not even the most expensive make-up could make it disappear. Fuckfuckfuck!, she thought angrily, since she knew yet again, she had to come up with a damn good cover story.

Though she had enough experience in finding the right words to convince people of her lies, it got harder every time. Her fellow men would only believe so much. After all, who could always have that much bad luck to fall down the stairs or encounter only very careless bike couriers?

Hence, the sudden and frequent job changes and no friends to speak of.

Yeah Zoe, your life’s just bloody wonderful…,

she thought, as she turned to finally make her way to the bathroom and a much deserved shower.

As the hot water finally hit her face and the tiny room slowly filled with steam she was already trying to forget the events leading to her injuries.

As usual it had been a violent night for her in the streets of L.A.

As she stepped out of her apartment building she had to squint her eyes before she could see properly. In the few hours she slept it had to have rained a lot. The streets were still all wet and since the sun already shone quite hot it left the air sticky.

On the other side of the street was a little bakery. In front of it stood the owner Isabel Jenkins putting out a sign that surely was supposed to attract customers with the special something she had to offer this week. Her thick blond hair was a bright gold from the sunlight and it seemed to draw Zoe like a beacon over the street.

Isabel Jenkins was also her neighbor right down the hall and her main coffee supplier before she went to work every morning. She also payed a frequent visit in Zoe’s X-rated dreams which Isabel knew nothing about.

“Hey you”, Isabel said brightly. “You’re early…” followed by a mock frown.

Cute as a button…Zoe sighed and gave her a short wave. “Well, …” she started and pulled her red mane out of her face. Since she knew it wouldn’t be of any use she didn’t even bother to put on make-up over her wound.

“Oh my..!  What happened to you?”, Isabel was concerned and her warm grey eyes grew big as she came closer to reach out with her hand. She only barely stopped in front of the scratch not daring to touch it.

“I got into a bar fight last night.”

Isabel looked sincerely shocked. “Why?!” Being such a delicate flower herself she couldn’t believe why any woman would refer to violence.

Immediately Zoe held her hands up in defense. “Innocent bystander! Just got caught up in the rubble..!”

And when she finally got the pitiful “Oh no…” from Isabel she knew she believed her. As they walked in together and she told her the rest of her bogus story she gladly accepted the offer of a free coffee like a good little beaten puppy.

She exited the bakery a short while after with a steaming cup of coffee and a free sugar-coated doughnut to go along with it. Actually, she hated sweet stuff but the word “no” simply had no place in her vocabulary when she was with Isabel. And then again, she had something to cheer up Frank her chronically grumpy colleague and office ally against Darth Christine, actually Christine McKanzee, their boss and the most evil bitch on the planet.

In the hope to escape the sticky sweatiness she hurried into the office only to be hit by a new wave of heat. Great. The cooling system must have broken down again….

In a distinctively slower pace she continued to her room. Frank already sat there sweating and working. He barely looked up as she entered.

As she sat down with a rather loud thud she began to speak in a sticky sweet voice “Good morning, Franky. Lovely day, huh?....Oh, not as lovely as me? You’re such a charmer….oh no, no, stop, I’m going to blush.” In response he only gave a grunt, shifted slightly in his seat but otherwise remained focused on his screen.  

“Oh and did you know, they’re about to close “the raving geek”?! They already packed up all the comics….bummer, ey?” - and she finally got a reaction. If only for a second, he looked up scared, eyes wide and nostrils flared. But as he saw the grin on her face comprehension dawned on him and with a relieved sigh he frowned at her while turning back to his work.

Still deeply concentrated on his task on the computer he asked “What the heck happened to your face?!”

“Well,…. I had to wrestle an old lady to get you THIS doughnut!” she said presenting him the dessert.

When she had stopped explaining the story about the bar fight, the doughnut was long gone and her boss came storming in looking everything but happy.

“WHAT HAPPENED WITH MISTER CARLTON?!?!? “ Darth Christine yelled, her face a furious grimace and her forehead wrinkled like a pug’s.

Zoe looked speechless, expecting more rant from her boss. And indeed, there was more. And it grew louder with each word.


Her huge angry eyes stared at Zoe, apparently trying to bore a hole in her skull. Even Frank looked at her though more afraid than anything. But Zoe just couldn’t muster up fear for her job right now after the night she had. So she said nothing and only gave a small shrug.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! Can you just tell me why one of our long-time and major clients just threatened to cancel his policy after he talked to you?? …..

…WELL?!” she demanded expectantly.

“….Because he’s a sexist moron with no respect for anybody earning less than he is and is under the impression that he not only bought insurance for his company from you but also your employees, most recently me, and can therefore expect any service he wishes from us….” Catching some air, Zoe wasn’t nearly finished when Christine interrupted her.

“…I don’t care. I just don’t care! How do you think I built this business?! By telling everybody what’s on my fucking mind?! I don’t think so! So suck it up and call Mr. Carlton and tell him how sorry you are, that it was your fault, that you have personal problems which obviously isn’t even a lie considering the look of your face, tell him... anything! Just get rid of the problem and keep my clients happy or else WE’ll have a problem. Got it?”

Anger was bottling up inside Zoe. She was afraid to lose it. So she just gave a curt nod staring at her accuser.

“Good. And I want it done this morning! You will report back to me straight after!” said Darth Christine while turning to storm back into her office slamming the door shut.

Through clenched teeth Zoe responded to Frank’s alarmed look “Don’t. Say. A. Fucking. Word….Don’t even think about it.” And bristling with anger she reached for the phone, preparing herself for another unpleasant conversation with Mister Carlton.

Right after she hung up the receiver Zoe headed straight to her bosses office to inform her about the degrading conversation which seemed to have pleased Mr. Carlton sufficiently.

Better get it over with fast, Zoe thought while inhaling a deep breath and turning the doorknob.
Once inside she was greeted by a still slightly angry Christine with a demanding look on her face. So she wasted no time in telling her that the ass-kissing phone call had been a success.

After that her boss seemed to relax, if only a little. Because now she looked at Zoe skeptically.

“You know, I really don’t wanna know what happened to you. But I can deduce from what happened today that it had to do with your …issues…I strongly suggest that you get your outbursts under control.”

Yeah right, she’s one to talk…! Zoe thought fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

“I really advise you to go to an anger management group. I printed out some information about it for you.” And she handed Zoe a stack of paper with info about local anger management courses. Zoe took it and was only able to stare at it. She had no response.

“And you really should take it home right now. And don’t come back until your face looks healed. You look really disturbing. I’m afraid you’ll scare the customers.”

Zoe looked up, now staring at Darth Christine. No, there really wasn’t anything to say. So she turned to leave.

She walked home rather lazily. Sometimes life happened too fast for her and her thoughts needed time to catch up.

Maybe – though for all the wrong reasons – Christine was right. Maybe she needed this. Maybe…she could work her problems, or “issues” as her boss called them so kindly, out. Maybe there could be an end to all this cycle of crap.

She dwelled on this for quite a while. But then another rather alarming thought occurred to her, what I really need before any of that would be a body management course!

Because indeed there was a more pressing matter to manage: Where should I put the dead guy in my trunk?



heaven is close, the end is near
and so is our love, my dear
the journey was nice, the road a bit bumpy
but all the problems made me grumpy


wrote that one as my relationship wasn't going so well, I guess....sounds kinda funny though ;-)
marked on my skin
you stay
a piece of you
that's all I have
....it's all that is left

(topic: tattoo)


my head isn't spinning
it's not even turning
I can't feel a hum or a buzz
it's not even yearning
slowly it's dying
it's shutting down
I can't keep on denying


the widow was a friend of mine
she looked at me while falling
her husband was no noble man
but a good one either way.
the instant he was taken
her heart just wouldn't stop aching.
her world was gone
her mind was broken.
she just couldn't care
...about anything
not even the little girl that was left...
the walking dead

the walking dead are scary fellas
the walking dead wear no umbrellas
the walking dead are rarely seen
but when they are they act quite mean
the walking dead are not your friend
so be warned, they can pretend!
the walking dead just want your flesh
even if yours is not that fresh
the walking dead are very strong
so don't you fight them - move along!

and if you try make no mistake
take something heavy so their scull will break
and if you manage to finally kill them
I'd imagine it'd be quite a thrill then.

So I wish you luck and farewell
- though I think your flesh would taste real swell.
he used to be a friend of mine
this stranger in the background
nowadays he's bittersweet
and laughs at me while fallin'....


...if we could change your past
we could erase the blame....
the blame....unnecessary, ..sometimes

but who would you be
and would you even like me?

maybe it's better this way,
it's bitter
at least for me

but it could be worse, and why am I always writing stoopid shitandwhydoesitbothermeandwhyamIalwaysmakingexcusesandwhycan'tIstooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop!?!?!?!?! -.- 

--> no that's not really supposed to be a poem, if you asked yourself that ;-)

Wut / Rage

sie frisst mich fast auf / a demon inside of me

durchbricht die leise traurigkeit / rips everything apart

sinnlos / there's no one left to blame....

total crap!


not a glimpse to catch of you.

but in my eyes, the sparkles are missing

you hold them capture

victims of my pain.



their absence - unrecognized by those around me.


but I feel the wind blowing...

...blowing right through the hole you left in me

and freezing me from the inside out.



they can’t grasp what is happening, what has happened...


....can I?       

5. Nov 2008

jealousy isn't what it used to be.
I see your face, I see your smile
and hurts for that awful long while...
but I can't change it and I never will
Still I have to see you....again and again.
It's an urge I can't kill.
The urge to hurt me, to punch the hole I can't fill.
so I remain, hurt and insane
just the tears are flowing,
they run from my worry and pain.

I just hope that you won't....

31. Okt 2008

don't be fooled by a a tender kiss
it'll only mock you
when you cry your eyes blind...as usual.

I'm sorry, little girl
even love is meant for hurting you
...because you let it

sorry little girl....you're broken,
so what do you expect?

13. Okt 2008


luv that pic...

13. Okt 2008

when will the reign of fire end...?!
the reign of unsteadiness.

always flicking, dancing,

don't fool yourself,

there's no control.

life's a bitch coz it sux like one

I breathe in.
I'd die for you
but I die alone.

you're all killing me.
ripping my insides out
and eat'em up.

disgusting animals.


bathing in blissful ignorance.

maybe you're right to pity me,

because I have to carry on,
in this obnoxious world,


and you don't even realize....

30. Sep 2008

I need order around me
because inside there's only chaos.

19. Aug 2008

here I sit
a pitiful little thing
waiting for myself
to lay off that feeling....

but I just wanna believe, boy.
that it can all be true

boy, can't you see?
your making me crazier than I ever was

boy, I'm too crazy for you
to be just your rebound girl....

I just wanna believe,
but how could it be true

boy, I'm drowning and I'm so blue
how could you love me...
...as much as I love you...?


just some blaaaa, that just came back to haunt me.
how come you can surpress these things for a long time, and then they just pop back into your head, and there they are ...can't get 'em out.
stupid head........mpf!



even to myself I'm a burden

it's only logic that I'm one for everybody else


even to myself I make no sense

then again - nothing makes sense


even to myself I am just a waste

of space, of time, of breath,

of blood

oh how I like it, the blood,

so warm, and real, so beautiful


but it's all just wasted, inside my body.

nourishing my broken head, my broken heart, my broken soul.

always flowing , running erratically through my veins.

aimless, confused

just like me.

23. Jul 2008

alles zerbricht....

meine Füße bluten.
sie sind schon über zu viele Scherben gelaufen.
meine Arme hängen.
sie können nichts mehr zusammenhalten.
mein Kopf ist gesenkt.
er hat längst aufgegeben,
hat er doch nie einen Grund darin gesehen,
....zu leben

denn alles zerbricht.

bad days......

I’m ok.......

just keep the knives away from me.

the craving goes too deep.

the hurt,

all to much



feelings out of order.


only the slowly pouring blood

can ease my mind

and help me rest.


but only a while.


what follows is the satisfying pain,

much more comforting than the real hurt,

the chaos and confusion.

11. Apr 2008

you don't care at all
do you?
you just wanna be anywhere
outside your safe bubble
-the bubble I just wanna burst!
I wanna destroy it with all the strength
I got left
to make you see
to make you realize
and not ignore!
I hate that you shut things out
that are so important to me,
to my well-being
only because you don't wanna deal with it!

I feel mean because I wanna
destroy your safe ignorance?!
You should feel guilty
because YOU ARE !!


slowly flowing down
pumping out of my veins
feeling out of time
out of place
calming down


Ich schreie
ein ohrenbetäubendes Geräusch
ich bin nicht mehr fähig, etwas anderes zu hören
Ich schreie
aus purer Verzweiflung
mein Kopf dröhnt

er wird so schwer

Ich schreie
bis ich keine Kraft mehr habe

doch du bleibst stumm


was usin' my  down-time from last entry to actually write something here.....

in German...wow ;)

und wie so oft kommt sie
und reißt mich weg von dir
zieht mich in eine zeit,
in der keiner von euch existiert hat
nimmt mir meine zuflucht
lässt mir nur mich selbst

sie reißt ihr maul auf
und schreit in die offene wunde
in das kaputte kind

die angst schreit nach dem messer

und ich erstarre innerlich

lil explanation:
was lying awake, totally finished after a fucked-up dream (or day, week, ..life)
and a "poem" came to my mind about the same damn fucking feeling or urge I have to fight, everytime I get scared, nervous, depressive or whatever.
but no worries. everything "under control" as they say.

worthless piece of shit

how can I ever compete
with her, with what you had,
what you felt for her, with....everything?

I can't. I'm weak.
Can't shut my head off.

stupid thoughts running
through my mind
trampling down my sanity


--> just some recent blah, no poem, just what is bothering me especially right now. nothing new, just can't repress it right now (tierd, in the middle of the night. after a stoopid dream). got enough other things not to think about *enerved*

*goes back to bed*

16. Mär 2008

I'm sorry
for what I've done to you
I'm even sorry
for what you put me through
so sorry
for the years that passed
so sorry
for myself at last
so sorry
that I'm still hurting.

I've wished a 1000 times
that I was alright
for you...

for me...

...for him...

...but I'll be sorry
...'til my lights go dim.

15. Mär 2008

can't bare
these old chains of mine

trying to get rid
and free my mind

my heavy chained legs
can't move
they pull me down

so fast

so deep.....


Wenn alles um dich herum zusammenbricht,
versuchst du dir das letzte Stück Kontinuität zu wahren,
auch wenn es noch so klein und lächerlich ist
- nur um für eine kurze Weile vielleicht ein bisschen langsamer zu fallen.



across the barriers
you found a way into my broken heart
I let you in these open wounds
in hope you would mend them.

Now I stand here,
the wounds are less,
though still hurting...


...sometimes often.

the shreds are still in repair
and I'm so afraid of breaking again.

I forgot
how hard it was
to be whole

and more vulnerable than before.....
tell me
that we can go on like this 

tell me
that your love for me won't fade

tell me 
that nothing can get in between

tell me
that I can stay with you
till the end

lie to me.....


my bare feet
touch the ground
though the earth is so near,
I'll let it disappear, 
disappear into nothing.
I won't let it near.
I'll build a save shell
that no one could harm, 

a save shell to bring us far away from here.
so I won't have to waste
one single breath without you again.


you left a hole
I can not fill.
everyday is a struggle
to not give up.
to get some peace of mind
and get my head to shut up

far away I see the endless horizon
reminding me of hope
something I've never known before...


I'm taking pictures with my mind
so beautiful.
I wish they could see what I do.
because there's so much, 
and too many are too blind.


what most people need to realize
is that we never have a choice...


don't wait for the rain
'cause it will come anyway.
don't hold on to the pain
'cause new hurt will come.
that's life!
everybody knows it sucks like a bitch, 
so try not to be his!


sometimes your words 
cut so deep
even if they mean nothing

how can it pain me so much?

(unfinished,  I guess)
I hate that you're not part of my life anymore
that you can't see who I love and adore!

that he will never know you...
I hate that feeling through and through!

I'm eager for the day 
I'm gonna see you again
though I'm really not sure 
if that day will come 
and I can.........


as mentioned before: written @ night, trying to finally shut up my mind and fall asleep, 
so don't expect a good poem ;)  

22. Dez 2007

through constant changing
you never leave me alone
even when you're gone
you're always at my back


to strike me down again.


the path I walk along
is dark and dusty
but I keep on walking
knowing my heart's a little rusty

I'm sure that you're the one
you could make me happy
and change my heart back 
from what it has become.

escaping the pain.
running so scared.
till tomorrow.
comes again.
she has to try.
no matter what.
there is to pay.
she doesn't know.
what the world has to offer.
all she does is hide.
but without a cover.
she needs something pure.
something real.
that could make her feel.
stable and whole.
but she's losing grip.
and she doesn't know.
where else there is to go....

....but down.


....written a few days ago

we sat in that comfortable little bubble
it kept the real world out.

but when the bubble did burst
reality got in between

infecting our world 
like a virus

tearing it apart

tearing us apart
sleeping without you
feels like lying on a cold stone floor
no warmth
no heartbeat
just awful.

and I don't dare to look up,
being too afraid of not seeing your face.

(now...the following is just plain bad, no style, I know)

my love for you grows each day
even if you're far away
- though it's nothing compared 
to the day you're finally here to stay.


2. Nov 2007

how can you be so far away when you're standing right in front of me....?


I'm just waiting for the day
when you'll leave me.
when you'll have finally found
who's more interesting than me,
more fun, more pretty.
who you can truly love.

.....how could you love me
as much as I love you, 
when I can't even stand myself.......? 

22. Okt 2007

I know
you're broken too.
everybody is.
but could you
please try to fix me?

I want to mend your wounds
and all I'm begging for
is that you will try
try to mend mine.


I'm stuck with this pain
sometimes I think it's all that remains
tears dropping down like bombs
and cries as bloody as in war
but you're not even listening.


I feel so dead
I feel so numb
sometimes I think
it's all that I've become

'cause all I see
is the shadow I'm casting
the shadow I am

I hope that at least you 
are able to see more than that.


she was listening to a song
called "scream" 
as you ended her life
and no sound escaped her lungs.
as she was slowly dying
and staring into your empty eyes
she was trying to think
of happier times
but they never existed...........


her shadow's hanging over me
over us
like a dark cloud

and I'm just waiting
for the rain

7. Okt 2007

 my feet are tired
sleepy from walking

walking too far
running too long

but I carried on
all the way

it led me to you,
so it's alright,

it's okay.


I could cry myself blind.
I think I already lost my mind.


For no reason
you'll turn your back on me.
For no reason
you'll leave me alone.

Because of you
I'll break again.


did nobody tell you that you bought damaged goods?!


wrote that last week....

you bring to me sweet bliss
make me forget
my stupid sorrow
but inside
my heart's still stained
and damaged

but I hope that we 
will make it anyhow


despite how much
I love you
you can't erase 
the stains on my heart
but for a while you can
make me forget
how damaged I am


the urge to make me look
as broken as I am inside
and I hope for
that it'll last


you say you don't want me broken
but you only seem to be pleased
when my mind's not at ease

you don't care if I'm happy
you just don't want to be 
down there

down there
where I don't want to belong

I hope



26. Sep 2007

one moment - meant to be perfect
one perfect moment - to take a special place in my heart
one perfect moment - that would shine in my life
one moment - now lost forever
one of so many


you know the sad little lie I tell you
the lie you pretend to believe
the lie you want to believe

I suppose it's for the better

you couldn't ever make it go away
it's all done

and I'm the one who has to pay......
I hate you all
hate you all so much
because you're able to hurt me
so much
every goddamn time

I really tried
tried to trust you
but it's all for nothing
useless desperation

I have to shut you out again.

blah (aka 'total shit')

you're on a dangerous territory
...it's my heart

and if you're not careful
you'll tear it apart....


she's lying on the floor
like a broken doll

no one to pick her up
no one to repair her

only the crushing of her bones
as they walk over her


the heart's a muscle
mine's too strained

just cut it out
and throw it away

maybe then
I'll be okay


again: nothing good

you see the sad girl
sittin' in the corner?
that's me waiting for
to care


am I nothing but 
a funny gal for you?
am I more to you 
than jokes that I tell?
or am I the biggest joke 
ever made?


people dying
a world made of crying
for us to break apart
for those who still have a heart......


she's lying still
in her hotel room
pretending she's dead
though she's still breathing
>>oh please, someone call the ambulance<<
she wishes desperately.

her eyes are shut
but tears find their way out anyway
so the sheets get soaked.

a loud knocking
rips her out of her apathy
out of her suffering
>>could it be ...... someone who cares?<<

in a rush
she's jumping up
and rips open the door
only to see

no one.


just some total bullshit

I feel like a puppet
just playing my role
was unable to control what became of me
don't know who I really am
don't know who I was supposed to be

there's a disturbance
under my thousand layers
a little pea
but I'm not the princess
not at all

maybe I'm the pea
underneath it all
but maybe it's nothing
this feeling inside
maybe it's nothing
fading away
like all of us


I'll feel protected
when you hold me
I'll feel at peace
when you sleep next to me

someone I can take care of
someone who'll take care of me

26. Jun 2007

I read my own words
over and over again
and with every time
they become more abstract to me
the meaning seems to fade
as if they poured out
and left me empty

every word becomes the same
the same topic
flowing through every sentence
like a river

24. Jun 2007

I don't tell you
You shouldn't see
the dark side
the dirty black hole
I crawled out of
You see what I am now
and that's alright with me
I guess


i still recall your smell
when holding me near
you made it all go away
all go away

i just want something 
to hold on to
something to stop my falling
something i can't ever have


I steal myself away
to a place where angels are screaming
where devils are laughing
and pain is burning in my veins
though freezing myself inside

tortured souls everywhere
cries getting louder
because of the unbearable silence


23. Jun 2007

breakable? not that much anymore
broken? a little
maybe more
weak? sometimes
but I'm still standing
- what do you have to show?!


she's nearly invisible
but suddenly you notice her
you see that she can be funny and witty
she's not as boring
as she looks
but when she tells you
what she's about
her charm fades
and it's just her again
she's not invisible anymore
now you see her
though now......
you don't even want to.

11. Jun 2007

the more I tried
to reach out for you
the more you slipped away
so I held back
I was too scared
and now I live with regret every day

you looked
like a walking corpse
long before
you were actually gone
and left me for dead

you left me
as an empty shell
only filled with pain
and never ending longing
for my father.

7. Jun 2007

why she's here
she doesn't know
but it doesn't matter
she's got no where else to go
her eyes look lost
and so is she
to lead the way
there's no one here
who would there be
if the others are as lost as she?

4. Jun 2007


my eyes are bleeding 

blood's desperately streaming 
down my cheeks 

the pain's been too much
for me to keep. 

pitiful little girl,
please just die, 

so there'll be no tears
for me left to cry


4. Jun 2007

I had to be strong
for so long
I had to be alone
for so long
but if all that I was
waiting for 
was you
I would have waited
even for eternity
because I know it would've been
worth it
because with you
I can be weak
and that makes me
even stronger
than I ever was

written @ work


sometimes I think
you hate me 

sometimes I think
everyone is repelled by me 

sometimes I realize
that it's just me


monotone work
just another bee in the hive
monotone life
slowly killing you
from inside out


the sound of my breath
is all I can hear
I abandoned the rest
so there's no one I could fear
but myself


the world...
....full of pain
....full of hate
....full of morons
the world...
....won't change


this is the new shit....... ;)

you're not mine to keep
that's why I can't stop to weep
I know I'm just a little creep
so you'll never be mine to keep.


I cry and cry
and cry all day
until my sadness goes away........


do you know the feeling
when you're too tired and burned out
to not cry?


no words could grasp how I feel inside
no words could make clear
the urge not to be me
to break out of this sick mind
and finally be free


collect all the pieces
and patch me up 
only to see
the strings aren't strong enough
I fall apart.


I found some old "stuff" in my diary

wrote that one in 2004:

I'm so sad and lonely
why can't you see?
I was so hungry for life
but somehow that went away
I lost myself sometime in the past
-am I even worth searching for?

daily boredom goes away
when I finally get home
although it seems so save there,
I feel so insecure

I can't catch up with my life
-don't even know if I want to.
I just want to be in my room
with my loneliness supporting me.

I mostly lost my depression
and now it feels like nothing's inside anymore.....

everybody talks about love.....
...I don't even know it
...I never was in love
...can't trust anyone enough.

I could count a 1000 days on which I wished I was dead
although I'm afraid of it,
afraid of letting go.

I'm afraid of losing grip
afraid of people, afraid of myself.

I'm so sad and lonely
why can't you see?
I'm fighting to get through each day
boredom always takes me down again
makes me realize my frustration,
realize my only problem


wrote that one in 1999: (we had to write a poem in class)

Ohne dich bin ich einsam.
Manchmal verkrieche ich mich in eine Ecke
und denke an dich,
wie es war als du bei mir warst;
wie du mich zum Lachen gebracht hast
und wie liebevoll du dich um mich gekümmert hast...
und wie lieb ich dich hab.
Doch du bist fort
-für immer!
Das macht mir schreckliche Angst.
Ich vermisse dich.

11. Mai 2007

can you listen to the sound
of my soul?
need you to tell me
what I already know.


my tears could fill the sea
and I know that I'll never be
okay again
something's wrong ; disfunctional brain
please fix me, I just wanna be sane!


why do you have to be like everybody else?!
Isn't it enough that the whole world's an asshole
trying to suck the last drop of compassion out of you
-each and every day?!
Sometimes I lose the strength 
to fight this world
it's doomed to self destruct anyway
But my heart insists to keep on going
though my head knows...........

I can't win.


kill the loneliness
I don't want to feel
the emptiness again
crawling up my heart
and dust it, like ashes




you made me feel precious
I know I never actually was
but to you I was precious
and I loved you even more for it
but you're gone
and I couldn't follow you
and now I'm precious to no one.


lying on my bed
dried tears on my cheeks
my throat hurts from soundless screaming
life has struck me down 
once again
silence overcomes the room
the only sound my breathing
slowly evening out
till it nearly stops